As my service has started winding
down to its final handful of months I set a countdown in my phone of (more or
less) the remaining time. Where once the idea of leaving for 27 months was
intimidating, I am now down to basically the last 100 days. This brings on a
lot of emotions! It’s almost like leaving for service all over again knowing
I’m about to leave for some strange country again, with no exact idea of what’s
going to happen when I get there.
This realization has brought a few
things to surface, some of those being the things I didn’t do. I started off
service documenting everything. I blogged, I attempted keeping a journal, I
took pictures all the time of every little thing I could… and then I stopped. As
can obviously be seen where I blogged weekly, well its now been 6 months since
the last post. I still take photos, but not nearly as often as I use to. This
has been for various reasons, in part to being busy, in part to becoming
comfortable with my environment and honestly just taking it for granted, and in
part because I had fallen into a funk.
I want to make it very clear that I
am beyond thankful for the experience. Looking back at every good, bad, and
in-between I am glad it has happened. If I knew everything about service that I
do now, I would still do it all over again. The slogan that this is “the
hardest job you’ll ever love” is perfect. Late in last year I started little by
little falling into a depression. I felt like things with service weren’t going
quite as I had envisioned, and between that an a few other things, I felt like
I was becoming jaded. I was losing hope in the agency, bitter towards my some
of the aspects of my host country, and just disappointed in myself/service. I
don’t feel like a public blog is where those kind of issues need to be vented
out. However, as I do realize it is something that does hit volunteers.
Multiple volunteers (one of which I considered my closer friends over the first
year of service) have decided to ET over not being happy with service, and
that’s okay! Late in January I found myself questioning if I could make it
through the final 10 months. A friend who was in the same interpreting program
as me posted a blog about a similar struggle he was experienncung through his Peace Corps service in Europe, and that really hit home for me.
I told myself a million times, if
you throw in the towel its okay. If you stay, that's also okay. Neither option would
make me any less of a person. Staying didn't necessarily mean I succeeded, and going home didn't mean I failed. I believe sometimes doing what you need for
yourself is one the hardest things you’ll ever do, yet one of the most
invaluable decisions you’ll make. I kept a bit quiet about what was going on
except to a small circle. When I would talk to them I got various perspectives
and pieces of advice, but one piece in particular stood out to me. It came from
a good friend I’ve known since high school who completed her own Peace Corps
service not long ago in the Pacific Islands. Though she was in completely
different parts of the world, it felt like some parts of service were
interchangeable, so I asked if she ever considered ET-ing (Early Termination).
I was a bit relieved to hear I wasn’t alone in my feelings. She suggested that
I get a calendar and at the end of the day when I “X” out the day, ask myself
“Can I do this for one more day” if the and answer was yes then handle just that one day, and when I do, be proud of my decision. If I can't handle even one more day, then nothing wrong with that either, just still be proud in my decision... Then wash, rinse,
repeat as needed. So, I did. Every time I questioned myself or was curious to
which was the “better option” for myself, I would ask, can I stay one more day?
In some ways off the bat I felt
like this had a bit of a tone setting in itself, “can I?” Psh! People are
capable of phenomenal things when they really want it. I hate it every time I'm told I "can't" do something, then I'm like watch me! And here I was with my the
job I dreamed of having for half my life, something many people would love to have,
and here I was questioning “can I”? I had exactly what I wanted, all while living in an absolutely beautiful country, and yet I was struggling to simply be happy. Well, some days I “could” better than
others; now, looking back at my calendar, and see all those X’s it makes me a
bit sad, but more so happy and appreciative for telling myself that I "can” for one more day.
Service really needs to just be
taken a day at a time. I had so many plans, I was going to get the library up
and running, I was going get the feeding area rebuilt so that the program can
be utilized, I was going to start a fit club and get toilets installed at the
school and I joined every “extra” committee I could. Those things that I
thought were such a big deal didn’t happen, and I was very disappointed in
myself for not doing anything monumental with my time. I felt like I let others
down too. Service has it own hardships, this type self sabotaging pressure
benefits no one. What I did do though, were the exact reasons why I would tell
myself “I can for do this for one more day”. I love my learners!! They have
become a central part of my world. I look forward to girls club and boys club.
I may not have started a library, but I have a Harry Potter book club with the
kiddos, and now they get mad at me when I’m “too slow” to make copies of more
pages of the book. Some of my learners are writing poems in English, just
because they like too! Maybe these aspects are not the “biggest” contribution
ever, but these are the parts of service that mean the world to me! Looking at
all the chaos and darker days I realized I accomplished more than I gave myself
credit for. Even in days I was so if-y, countless good moments happened as well
that I only recently recognizing. For that, my newest promise to myself is to
not take a single one of these last hundred or so days for granted! Starting
with doing those little things I told myself I would do in the beginning.
Self-care is so important in
service! Be nice to yourself! Pack coloring books and little knick-knacks that
make you feel good. When it comes to what are must brings, its all those little
things that just bring a smile to your face. You won’t regret it, trust me! Know
your own limits, its okay to have them. And have a good support system. I
consider myself so blessed for the support system and those who have been there
for me. I didn’t get through this alone, and knowing that adds depth to service
in itself.
“I may have to do this myself, but
I don’t have to do this alone” –Mary Louise Romero
I do need to do this myself, but I definitely didn't do it alone. I couldn't have gotten through it alone. Service can get hard, and that’s
okay!! Some days are better than others; but isn’t it the same for everyone, in
every job, all around the world? It’s impossible to save the world, or even a
village on your own. It was a bit silly to even think so. This doesn’t leave the service time in vain by any means
or anyone a “bad” volunteer. Service (as life) brings a whirlwind of self-discovery.
Sometimes the best approach is just to handle it a day at time. However, Some loving
friends and family (along with care packages with comfort yummies) sure do help
as well. You're always told about the relationships you'll build during service (and you will), but what's also great is how much deeper the roots of previous relationships can grow as well.
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